Archive for the ‘natural and scary chickens’ Category

There are some things that arrive to you with more certainty than others- although not always guaranteed. If things remain steady, you will go to your job, and do it, and come home. You will arrive at school and your child will be there waiting, unharmed and armed, perhaps with a tidbit or two about American history that you have forgotten. You might open the fridge, and scrap together a meal (even if all that is in there is apples, yogurt and laughing cow cheese, and half a cucumber).

Music is not this way. At least for me. If I am to produce new work, then there are times when I must absorb other things in order to interpret the new information. Listening, and watching, quietly, without interruption are important parts of being a musician, I am learning. So, I guess what I am trying to convey is, I may have hit a period of dormancy. It frightens me to be dormant, but I now see it as an integral part of my musicianship, a time of rest where ideas, colors, sonic changes and words can gather in a sort of fetal mass, and grow into new works.

Singing is also not this way. In order to sing well, your breathing and sinuses, and throat and diaphragm must all be in perfect condition. But pollen, and dust and years old wallpaper glue made from wheat, and dogwoods, and panic and sadness, and fear, all these things physiologically affect the voice, and it’s qualities. Even the cold, the winter, sometimes can constrict the lungs.

Rehabbing an old house and a non-working furnace do nothing to further the cause.

Ans also, sometimes when your heart aches, for no other reason than feeling the grief of others, it is difficult too.

I have had many dreams lately, of giving birth to new babies, all in startlingly graphic detail. These are just dream babies, they will never really be born, they don’t exist. I am facing the end of a certain type of motherhood, the physically demanding motherhood of small children. It is replaced by a different sort of motherhood, the nebulous, emotionally demanding motherhood of older children.

Shoes get tied and teeth get brushed. Keys and phones are employed deftly. The ability to program the RCN remote, the expression of large abstract concepts (the contagiousness of laughter, discussions about difficult concepts- abortion, assassination, theology and unsolvable math problems).

I miss the physically demanding motherhood- it was tiring, but had resolution. This new stuff, it’s frightening and unclear.

When the music comes back, when my head empties a little and I can start to sort this all out, I wonder what will come of it. It feels like it may be slower and more quiet. I don’t know- we shall see.

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This is what happens when clueless city folks such as myself try to ‘go green’. Yeah yeah, the intentions were terrific; Mrs. Farmers Market here gets her lazy ass out of bed early every Tuesday to chat up the farmers and chicken slaughterers of the world. This damned chicken cost $16 and it’s disgusting, bloodied pale and mooning face freaked me out enough that, ouch, I threw it away. I know how terrible that sounds but my son took one look and refused to eat it and honestly the crackly, terrible sound of my decapitating it with my not-so-sharp kitchen knife would have haunted my ears for years to come.

Summer is hard too, for terrible chickens with their heads NOT CUT OFF but also a terrible time for me. Musically, emotionally, in every way shape, form. My stomach hurts, I am anxious, too much alcohol is consumed and I find myself a stranger in my own life. Nothing is easy, or fun or smooth or works. For instance, our air-conditioner, which looks like the robot from Lost in Space, which is set to 62 degrees and on ‘turbo’ mode- yet the apartment is still ninety degrees. I have left the refrigerator open and seem to be getting cooled down more from this than “danger danger will robinson” which is sitting right next to me. Also, those light bulbs you are supposed to buy, the coiled ones that reduce carbon footprints, I call them Al Gore light bulbs, you know them? Well I replaced all the bulbs in the house with them and honestly, now you can’t see anything at night., Every lamp in the house has to be on or we fall. And here my son again, has banned those light bulbs from his room so he can read at night, without needing a flashlight. I bought a five year supply at least, from IKEA. We’ll be squinting around for years, falling over stuff and not being able to read magazines.

Miss Miss Kiss Kiss, Whirling Dervish Mix (you can access my remix on the sidebar to the right there) ended up having a super cool a capella that has already been remixed 10 times! The most successful, in my eyes anyway came from the indefatigable Loveshadow and the massively talented Lasswell.

Laswell’s Dig Deep Mix (ft Forensic and Me)

Loveshadow’s Till I My Eyes Die (ft Me)

Lastly joyful and peaceful, a little duet with the gentle and empathic Anchor Mejans. This for a moment in my tattered head, made me happy and calm.

Where Do Feelings Come From (Cookie & Milk Mix ft Me & Radiotimes)

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